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[08 Nov 2005|03:04pm] |
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(Byron friends. this doesnt concern you. you have been everything to me. this concerns a few people from my home town and lake fenton.)
I got done talking to a friend...or ex friend from lake fenton. I geuss this little problem of mine where I'm loseing my friends was all my fault. I guess I brought this onto my self. I guess I dont show any interest in gaining friends back. well if there is one thing I've learned out of this life. if one or two people think something negative that would typacaly be held from you. there are more people that think so to. I've neglected too many things. and now it finaly catches up to me. I just head my head taken off for something that I feel has snowballed out of control. what do you do with a snowball heading down hill. if you cant stop it. let it crash and melt. sence I dont think I can do anything I'm done. I'm done trying to deal with this gaddamn problem. I'm just going to sit back and live with what I have. there are people out there that still have it worse then me. I guess I can live. if you are like shannon and megan and you think I brought this on my self, then leave me the fuck alone. your only going to give me more bad days like this. if you think they are right. then sit back and watch me wither away and die of old age. I give up trying to fix the unrepairable. I'm going to take what I have and live with it. I'm going to take what friends I have left and keep them the best I can. and I'm going to use a line that garlen used a long time ago but I feel the same way. if you have to come up to me and ask wiether you are my friend or not, I'm insulted. you should know. I dont feel like I have to sit there and explain to people why I dont think they are aas close to me as they used to be. becuse most of the time I dont even know the answer. this is the last time I ever check this live journal again. so go ahead and leave what ever comments you want. I will never find out. if you hate me, go head and say it. but I ask you one thing. please come and tell this to my face. make sure I know. as soon as I know I can stop forcing you to fake a friendship with me. becasue once I know who exactly is on my side or not. it will make my life all the easier. I'm done. see you all in school, peering out from my shadow. I accept what I've done.
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[20 Oct 2005|10:31pm] |
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I've been haveing some problems latly. again. I'm getting tired of haveing problems. but here is the real problem. I dont know my malfunction this time. I've just been...down latly. I dont know why. for instance, today I just got done with a really cool day of work, the manager I hate wasnt there, my co-worker that is really fun was there, and I got a free fudge sundae for an act of outstanding costomer service. it was sweet. but on the ride home. I got this feeling like something was wrong. like my life is very wrong. and I sat there wile driving. what is wrong with my life? I have a life most can only dream of. two loving parents, a very beutiful and loving girlfriend, friends that truly care, and nothing major is ever wrong in my life. so. why, then, do I feel...depressed? why is it that I feel like there is something in my life that needs to be fixed? this bothers me. maybe its this problem alone that brings me so far down. maybe there are problems amungst my friends that I need to work out. or maybe the problem is subconsiously eating at me. or maybe it even to obvious that I am easily looking it over. what ever it is, it sucks. maybe time will work it out for me, or maybe time will make it worse. either way I think I have to wait. wait till this feeling goes away. or becomes so prevalent that I can Identify the problem. what ever it is I'll worry about it. and for those of you that acculy cared enough to read to the end of this. sorry. I feel like I have been a cry baby for the last few weeks, dont worry about me. I'll be fine. I just need to rant. and this is my ranting and bickering. forgive me if I seem to be a little down in the pooper or something. I had three people ask me whats wrong today. and my answer each time was...I dont know. so. I dont know what to tell you to do. I guess just ask at your own risk. I wont garantee and answer. sorry if I ever seem to bring you down with me accidently, I try not to. I hate being depressed around other people becuase that feeling is too easily spread. I'm done.
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[16 Oct 2005|01:16am] |
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mood |
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Sorry rhonda that I didnt call you. it is 1:15 right now as I write this ad I got home like three minuets ago. I wanted to call you. I really wanna talk to you. I'll just call you at like 11:45 before I go into work tomarow to find out whats going on. I love you. and if you get this message before 2:00 am go ahead and call me.
oh abd by the way to the rest of durand. CLASS A REGIONAL CHAMPS BABY!
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[11 Oct 2005|05:11pm] |
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garlen-WEEEEEEEEE |
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ok. people of durand. byron, you dont have to worry about this. you guys have been really cool. and for the exception for a few people. I've been haveing some problems. alot of my close friends I feel I'm loseing. at first I felt this was out of my control. I was thinking "its just because I dont have a car, I cant go see them as much as I really thought I could" but now I realize that things are happening that have no relation to my car. in the last two weeks I've been told that I am annoying more times then I have in previous eight months. and. how many times has someone in durand gone out of there way to include me into something. or just come over and visit. granted, john, preston, and audry came over for a little wile not to long ago. but I invited them. yes I understand, natraly I have to invite them. but, just something about this one and only time I invite them do they go out of there way to come and see me. and when they were here all they could seem to talk about was what they were going to do after I had to go to work. it felt like they came over crashed and just left. and left me out as well. I dont hate you guys for this, in fact it makes me want to pull you in closer becuase my fear of being alone is starting to haunt me. just for a couple of examples; last week when I was in a happy mood and bouncy and, granted I was a little loud. but preston barks out at me and tells me to go masturbate and shut the fuck up kinda hit me sqare in the fucking heart. he has all the right in the world to tell me to be quite. but to skip any warning of biteing my head off was uncalled for. there was not one person there that asked me to quite down, infact I was getting more positive feedback then I was negative. the only people I do that to...are the people I dont want around me or anywhere near me. and last time I checked, me and preston were alot alike. today was kinda my last straw and triggured me to write this. this morning I poked jordin so I could see her jump in fright and squeel becuase I find it realy fucking funny. well audry today told me to stop that becuase she finds the squeel realy fucking anoying. she has all the right in the world to bite my head off there. I wasnt offended at that moment. then kaylen fell in to this random epesode of loud obnoxious barking, snarling, growling moment that personnaly I found a bit annoying and wondered how long it was going to last. and to see everybody laugh at that. then I was offended. to have my head bit off for an act of annoyance that last two tenths of a second, compared to a lughed at response to a 10-15 second carry on of an annoyance. I feel casted out. I feel abondand. I feel like no one here except for a few select people even accept me anymore. weither or not any of you ment to make me feel this way. weither or not any of you acculy think I'm annoying or not. this is how I feel. recently the only comfort out of friends I could get latly are a couple from byron including Rhonda. and gregg. and thats it. well, now you all know. I no longer know what to say. I have Rhonda and garlen on the phone right now and just hearing there voices are makeing me happy. so I'm going to talk to these two people and enjoy the rest of my night. I await your guyses response, wiether or not your going to hug me or smack me, I just need to know what all of you think.
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[04 Oct 2005|08:32pm] |
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mood |
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Wow. my day was pretty good... but the down side was hearing about jordin. I was talking to my friend jill (she looks like shes doing good by the way) about jordin. wich made me think back on how that kid treated me. he treated me with up most respect, I cant recall how many times he would pull me off to the side to share a couple laughes with him, or how many enjoyable conversations I've had. jordin was a very cool kid. I hope that kid pulls through. he deserves all the chances I seem to get. I cant even count how many times I've allmost died. EVEN ONCE TONIGHT! I could have fuckin died tonight. so many times I've been given chances. I pray to god to give him one aswell. espeacialy for the fact that he deserves it. it wasnt his fault. every time I almost die its my damn stupidity that brings it. jordin isnt stupid, he is very smart and repectable, he deserves to live longer then I ever should. I just hope that is what happens.
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[03 Oct 2005|09:47pm] |
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some weird middle eastren shit |
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ok. today sucked. I hate being out of it. guys, I've got things on my mind and I dont know who to talk to about it, except my girlfriend. I dont know what to do about my problem except wait it out. the only problem with that solution is that it is time that is makeing it worse. I just really hope you guys dont hate me by the time the problem is under my control again. but just forgive me if I seem ajatated, or annoyed. I'm not annouyed with anybody, only life.
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[02 Oct 2005|03:33pm] |
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something by Marlyn manson |
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well, life is pretty boring now that I I cant hang out with mitch or eric anymore for the day. eric went to go golfing with his dad and brither, mitch was going to get ready for a concert he is going to see. garlen came over yesterday, that was fun, but hes going to the same concert mitch is. Rhondas at her dads house. preston if unknown and I dont know who else would want to hang out with me. so I am just going to vegitate here at my house. though I may attempt to see when rhonda gets home and I'll try to hang with her a little bit tonight.
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[27 Sep 2005|08:41pm] |
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mood |
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 enthralled |
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music |
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my marimba solo |
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ok. taday was better. I kept my nose out of bisness in band, had fun with my friends, went to work and was trained by this girl that made me feel dumb and like a berdon. but Rhonda came in and that was cool, except for the fact that she was there for like 10 seconds and then I had to run back for fries came back she was getting her drink, then I filled a fry thing. and she dissapeared. I started to think maybe I hallucinated her being there. but then after work I found a note wedged in my door handle of my car. in the note was the greatest thing to of heard that it almost made me cry. I called her but no answer and I'll try again at 9. I love that girl so much. never have I ever been this happy with a girl. so there is no doubt I agree with all my friends....this ones a keeper.
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[26 Sep 2005|09:08pm] |
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over all my day was ok
+got my parking pass I dont have to worry about the violation stickers any more
-had my first ever bad day in band
+first day at work and I enjoyed it I think I can make the best out if this
-my grandma was taken to the hospitol for unknown reasons and my parents wont tell me any thing.
I think my grandmas time is comeing close to an end. it scares me, but at the same time she is suffering. I just hope she gets to see my brother graduate and watch me in a band preformance. she really wants to see these two things.
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[22 Sep 2005|06:06pm] |
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look what I learned to finaly do !
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[21 Sep 2005|11:27pm] |
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Rhonda-I love you |
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Today was a roller coaster ride. I had fun at school today. I like being around my friends. then I went to my orientation wich wasnt good because I was five minuets late, but my manager said she truly compleatly understood why. then after that I showed up to band practice late. worried like hell only to spend half of it siting on my ass. I was so pissed, I wanted to play so bad. the I got mad when I BROKE TWO BASS/GONG MALLETS!!!!!! AHHHHH why do I do this stuff. I play things too hard? I play things wrong I dont know. no says I play any thing wrong. I guess I'm just too good for the mallet. again I was told I was too loud on the aux instrements.....gees I hate being too loud. I love being loud. oh well. so two bass drum mallets and 8 million fully heart felt triles of music. the intire band including EVERYBODY was accused of not trying hard enough. as much as I dont think mike was talking to me...he kept looking my direction. I wonder if he feels I'm not trying hard enough, or the pit in genral. becuse I know he knows me more out of the pit then the rest of the members. so maybe he wants me to work them harder...well, we have a problem. IM NOT THE SECTION LEADER...NOT MY GOD DAMN JOB TO WORK THE PIT HARDER! and when ever I try to work the pit I have a nameless individule who CONTRADICTS EVERY THING I SAY AND DO. SO MUCH FUCKING TIME BEING WASTED BECAUSE HE/SHE DOESNT LIKE HOW I WANT THINGS TO BE! well I have my intire show memorized. front to back. and yesterday all he/she could do was sit on his/her ass becuse he/she forgot his/her music and did know the parts we were covering. I went through that intire rehersal without refering back to my music once and I even changed and corrected others music. yeah...go ahead and tell me I'm not trying hard enough. yeah go ahead and tell me that you think you can run something just becuase I can. ITS NOT MY JOB ANYWAYS! HE/SHE CAN RUN AND TELL MR.TURNER THAT! god dangit, I dont need to run that section. I am NOT the section leader! if he/she wants that job...TAKE IT! I dont wanna be the one yelled at anymore. I dont wanna be the one told that I'm not trying hard enough, I dont wanna be the one to correct others on thier music. I've only been in band for one and a quarter year. even the freshmen have 5 years on me. they should be the ones out preforming me. they should have more responsibility then me. if people want me to take that position. then put my name down as section leader. give me the power to tell the pit what to do and not be talked back to. and then you would see a better section. you would see the best section of the intire band. if not the most skilled. the hardest working. thats what I'd do. but the only problem is...it not my name written down as section learder. and that doesnt help. that gives grounda for people to talk back to me. that allows them to say "your not the one in charge". and quite frankly...THEY HAVE A POINT! the person in charge has to take charge. in some cases that means; get mean... get unfair... get the pit where we have to be... get the pit where we should be... get the pit where we must be. I have no where near as much musical knowledge to take on the role of correcting us. I shouldnt be doing that......well, I'm done ranting. I had to get that out. and I want the pit to have our little confrence session, so they can hear this.
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[20 Sep 2005|09:08pm] |
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???-dimonds are a girls best friend |
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well I just had my interview a wile ago. and I am not sure how I did. I mean after shaking her hand with sweaty palms and yawning three times and forgetting that my fly was unzziped..I'm not sure. but. the last question was...what do you want on your name tag....I GOT THE JOB. and I lied about all the above. the girl was acculy quite impressed it seems. so I have an orientation tomarow. and I could possibly start as soon as thursday. I am going to at least try to keep friday open. if I could see rhonda thursday as well. that would be great. I'v been trying to get a hold of Rhonda for so long :(. I want her to call. but. hopefully I'll start to see more money in my pocket and me and rhonda may acculy see what an accual date is like some day.
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[19 Sep 2005|07:49pm] |
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I found this and I am posting this because just recently I have witnessed homophobia and I get really pissed when its my friends being rejected or casted out. to you who don't support this, I respect your opinion, but to you who reject, cast out, make fun, harras, or deny people just becuse of their sexuality...fuck you.
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
Repost this if you think homophobia is wrong.
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[12 Sep 2005|08:22pm] |
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Lion king-somethin neat |
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ok. so school this year isnt going so bad sofar. every day is'nt taking forever to go by. and I'm kinda ready to get my life plans locked down and look to what I might want to do for the rest of my life. working in or running a studio seems more and more fun each time I think about it. I think I am pretty sure this is what I want to do for a career. in this way it keeps me in music and is never repetative. every client can bring a new challange so I dont see how I could every possibly be bored. I am really interested in going to this full sail place and possibly getting a associats bachlors degree in entertainment bisness, and audio engeneering. my dads allways told me how cut throught the music industry can be. how there are so many people that are there just for your money. well I think if I was one of those people but not as heartless I think I can find my self in a safe place in the music industry. and I didnt mean I want to take people's money. its just there is no one that steals money from the studio rooms. bands pay them. well, I still have more too look into. but as today went. well it was fine. boring. but no news is good news I guess. so I have no complaints. at least yet. I havent snooped into my friend's entrys yet.
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[10 Sep 2005|10:42pm] |
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accomplished |
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nothing |
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Well the durand marching band got 1st place...agenst one opponent. the shows this year are cool. I want to see the one that if based about the 70's. only becuse they have a part in the show where the band drops out leaving two distorted guitars, bass, and drums. it counded like a garage band thing. then the band jumps back in and it all fits. it was cool. but I was loading pit equipment and wasnt able to watch them. only listen. :( oh well. some day I'll see them.
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[09 Sep 2005|10:24pm] |
well. I had an awsome day. but you'll have to ask me why. now I want to talk to my girlfriend which obviosly had a bad day. sorry guys.
Rhonda I love you more then anything in this world. you dont know what its taking me not to disobay my parents and drive to your house and see you.
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| oh crap |
[07 Sep 2005|10:06pm] |
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accomplished |
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I dunno-Chicken dance |
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well, once again I prove to my self and the entire world that that I really do not have a life. out side of band atleast. I heard a couple of years ago our trombone section learned to play the chicken dance. well what was my reaction. I was depresed to hear they didnt learn it in such a way that it would be interesting. so what did I do. I come home and I write a three part harmony of the chicken dance. *shakes head and sighs* I tell ya. Rhonda has picked her self one weird guy for a boyfriend.
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[06 Sep 2005|10:32pm] |
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music |
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my sniffling |
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so. I had a really good day. a little drama of people thinking I'm an ass hole from lake fenton but that was the only set back. I went to Rhondas grandmas house for dinner. then me and Rhonda just layed around. I cant belive how many diffrent ways she can make me laugh. rarely do I not have a smile around her. commonly am I laughing. I love it. I love the way she makes me feel, I love the way she makes me happy, I just love every thing about this girl. I can seem to thank god enough for giving me something I wasnt even sure I could have...the perfact girl.
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[05 Sep 2005|10:48pm] |
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mo town-my girl |
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1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.
( my answers )
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